American Idol & Birth Parents?

Believe it or Not

Do you watch American Idol?  Did you happen to catch the "American Idol Gives Back” special? In case you missed it, this was a charity effort for both kids in the U.S. and around the world, in particular “AIDS orphans” in Africa. This footage had the most gut-wrenching scenes. American Idol producers managed to take the phrase, “Aids Orphans" and made them into real people. Living, breathing and laughing.

So how does this relate to adoption?  We need to do the same thing when it comes to our in-laws- birth parents. Move them from that clinical phrase "birthparent' into real people --- living, breathing, AND laughing. This helps our kids because it can make an adoptee feel more real. It means they came from a person versus an abstract concept. Too bad we don't have the resources of American Idol. Too bad many of us don't even have a name to use for birth parents.

Hmmmm. No name? Is there any reason you can't give a name to a birth parent? It makes sense to me to give a name (or affectionate nickname) for ' today' until you find out the actual name. Maybe the Chinese name for Mama (Hey, that's MaMa).  Perhaps a common name in that country. Or something "culturally respectful" such as Lilly or Wen. Or Tatiana if she is from Russia. Or Rasawn if this is a birth father in the U.S.

If your child is old enough, ask them directly. "What would you like to call your birth mother?"  You could end up with some very interesting answers. If I had even had a first name for my birth mother growing up, I know it
would have helped. That 'mother stuff’ gets so messy. First names, whether created or actual, make it cleaner emotionally and much more personal. It helps create a connection. We want out kids to feel connected!

But there's more. Try this. Use the new birth parent name in everyday life. Say that name out loud more than once a year or when you're reading the lifebook. Say it until it becomes easy for both of you. Ask silly questions. "Do you think Lilly likes to eat broccoli for breakfast?” Joke around and get giddy. Give a doll her name. Pretend to call her on the phone. Write her a letter. Ask your kid for help with that letter. As adults we know the power of putting something in writing even if it doesn’t get mailed.

I didn't say this was easy. In fact this is a project I'm working on as well (with my daughter and the kids I work with). The goal is to make Ms. Lilly Birthmother an earth being. We'll tackle birth father and sibling(s) another time.  If you can sneak in a few laughs along the way, this helps dry the tears of the future.  Or helps calm the rage.

So thank you American Idol. You'll never know just how much you may have helped adopted kids everywhere.